My Testimony: Why Me, Lord?!?

At the grand age of 30, I sit back and look at my life and I am simply intriqued that I am even here, nestled in the Father’s arms, a safe haven that I can now call home. Arms that I ran from and avoided when all along, I knew with God is where I belonged, but I fought and I fought hard for over 13 years until finally, I conceded, but go back with me to the age of four if you will to where my life began (at least in my eyes and where I can recall):

“Get over here, you little b*%&! Sit down, eat!” I got teary-eyed as she slapped me across my face. A slap so hard that her palm print was artwork on my cheek. Yes, those were the words  and actions I was greeted with at the age of four. I was a victim of physical, emotional, verbal, and mental abuse from the very person who should’ve loved me most – MY MOM. My mom hated me and she made it known with each burn (from irons or anything HOT), extension cord,  hangar, brush, belt buckle, broom, you name it, I got it. I was in and out of foster care but they always returned me to her home in the hopes that she was “rehabilitated.” But if you know any recidivistic criminal – old habits die hard. They just perfect hiding them. For me, it was long sleeved clothes and make-up. Just like you can’t cover sin, you can’t cover bruises; they soon expose.

I recall vividly getting beaten naked with an extension cord and stretching my arms out and asking this person called God to just let me die in the midst of her torture when I was 12 years old. Looking back now, that’s symbolic that Christ began his teachings around that age and my gesture resembled a cross as I endured pain at the hand of the “enemy.”

I was beaten until I bled everyday of my life until I was 18 years old. So how could I love myself when I was never shown love? That’s easy, I didn’t. I had no blue print on how to be a woman of morals, pride, esteem, nor value. I had NO self-worth.

At the age of 17, a friend invited me to her church and  I learned about the man I only knew in name – Jesus. This savior who never saved me or had He?!? After two months of visiting church, I gave my life to Christ and after eight months, God whispered in my ear during service, “Surrender, MiMi. Let go of this world. You are called to evangelize.” I laughed at God as Sarah did (Genesis 18:12) and went about my life. I was on the verge of being 18; I had much partying, clubbing, and dating to do. Holiness was far from my agenda. I felt God never cared as a child so why should I listen to him as an almost adult.

At 18, I left the house of HELL! Not before I cursed my mom and told her that I hated her for abusing me. I made her look at every scar she had marred my body with and told her that I hoped she burned in HELL for being so evil and cruel to a child she bore. I walked away and never looked back. I was so distraught that I considered suicide because I felt so alone. I got in my car and just started driving  despite crying, until I got to a building (which turned out to be the church I now attend) and saw three signs: HOPE, LOVE, and JOY! I closed my eyes and started walking and prayed that I would land on the steps of “LOVE” and miraculously God would send someone to love me. I ended up on the steps of HOPE. I took that as a sign from God to persevere. I chose life instead of death and I picked up my slumbered  body and began living. I found an apartment and went to college where I majored in education.

From 18-26, I was a train wreck. I was sexually active and I used my body to get what I wanted from men. I did not care who I used or hurt, I just wanted my way. At the age of 20, I reunited with my high school sweetheart, Daniel and he drew me closer to Christ and we began to go to church together but still led a sinful lifestyle which led me to become an unwed mother. I was madly in love with Daniel, but he left me when I was pregnant because he did not want to be a father. I was alone and desolate in a big world with a big belly to bare my shame. Again, I wanted to die but God told me to live because in my womb, I carried a divine gift (think Genesis here again with the “birth of many nations”).

I admit Daniel jaded me a lot. He was the first person besides my dad to show me love and for him to leave me when I needed him most, pierced my very soul. But that is an understatement because I felt like someone gutted me, actually. To make a long story short, Daniel only saw our daughter once (when she was 5 months) and this is when the testimony turns into sorrow:

On November 1, 2006, I got the WORST phone call ever. Daniel had DIED! He was a pilot and his plane had engine failure and it crashed and burned. I WAS DEVASTATED. All the anger, bitterness, and hatred left my body as I fell to the floor and cried out to God, “WHY? WHY ME? I graduate from college in a month and I need to focus. I JUST GIVE UP, GOD! WHAT’S NEXT? I GET ABUSED FOR 18 YEARS OF MY LIFE, I FIND LOVE AND HE LEAVES ME, NOW I AM ALMOST THERE IN MY LIFE AND HE DIES! WHEN WILL SOMEONE STAY AND NOT LEAVE ME? WHO WILL LOVE ME FOREVER, GOD? WHOOO??” I asked in tears. God responded, “I WILL LOVE YOU. JUST TAKE MY HAND AND I WILL GUIDE YOU!” I rolled my eyes in disgust and sobbed into the pillow the entire night.

At the age of two, my daughter met her family for the first time at her father’s funeral. I was so humiliated and embarrassed because what I failed to tell you was this: DANIEL WAS ITALIAN and I AM BLACK. His family did not want us together because of OUR SKIN COLOR. So here I am, an abused child, living as a woman and ousted by the man I love because he could not defend me and his child. What more could a person go through?

Years passed, I healed and I even got married in 2010. That marriage was a disaster waiting to happen and we divorced in 2011. I realized then that I COULD NOT and was not CAPABLE of loving anyone until I learned to love myself. Daniel had taken my heart to the grave or so I thought….

On January 2, 2012 (my 30th birthday), I was leaving BAR ONE in Atlanta. I was on the Interstate headed east to my hotel when all of a sudden I realized my exit was coming and I could barely see it approaching even though I had on my contacts. My car skidded off the road and I was headed for several trees. I knew if I did not turn my car, I was going to die. I was scared and trembling but I veered to the left and my car halted on the side of the road with a major flat tire. My life was sparred and right then I conceded to Christ. I was tired of fighting and resisting such a loving God. I opened my arms and allowed God to take His rightful place in my life and heart.

Weeks later, Daniel appeared to me in a vision and told me to NEVER regret my decision and to, “Go with God!” I smiled because when we were at our best, he would always tell me that. He also gave me permission to let him go and to love again. He said I had held on to him for too long and since he could not return to me in the flesh, I needed to let go and love another again. As tears streamed down my face, I reached out to him only to wake up and see darkness.

For the first time, I felt free on all ends. Free to love and to accept God. That was six months ago and today I stand proud as a child of God who has endured the storms of life but I know God was always with me. I was created to be an evangelist, missionary, and work with youth. And no matter what I did, I could not run from what God wanted me to do. My life’s triumphs and struggles led me to where I am today: I am a teacher, writer, and speaker. And most importantly, I am His. Years ago, I told God, “NO!” Today, I proudly say, “YES, GOD! I am YOUR CHILD! I WILL OBEY YOU! I WALK INTO MY CALLING: I WILL BE AN EVANGELIST!”

I forgave my mom shortly after I cursed her very soul. I apologized to her for being rude and I repented before God. Thankfully, on September 25, 2006, Daniel called me and talked to our daughter – a mere month and a week before he died. I forgave him, as well. Since then, I have been hurt by many others and I forgave them. I don’t know how to hate or hold grudges. It’s not in me and I am grateful God made me that way.

Presently, I am letting God have His way in me. I am active in church. I am not evangelizing yet, but I am in spiritual training. When the time is right, I will preach my first sermon — NOT in my time, but in God’s time and I sit well with that because His timing is not ours. Pray for me and I will do the same for you!

27 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Destri E
    Jun 19, 2012 @ 23:31:41

    First off let me say that was beautiful. God has a way of allowing you to do what you want and ten proving that all roads lead to Him. He puts you in situations with people who teach you something: your mom, Daniel, etc. and allow you to be a blessing to others. I thank you for your words proving that Gods plan will not be over shadowed by ours and He has use for all his children even when we think we are useless. You are already ministering and I prat you continue on your journey because He has blessed you immensely.

    Reply

  2. Anquenette
    Jun 20, 2012 @ 00:09:43

    Very inspiring story. It’s never to late to change your life around.Also I turned 31 on January 1 of this year.Happy belated birthday.

    Reply

  3. Patricia Tilton
    Jun 20, 2012 @ 15:02:55

    That took courage to share what you shared. I think that sharing with people who care, is healing! I see a very strong and courageous woman who is coming to terms with her past. You have no idea how many people you will help by doing so. I have so much respect for you, and the journey you are on. And, with your talents, I’m sure there will be some books to help others as you pursue your ministry.
    Blessings to you,
    Pat

    Reply

    • MiMi Atkins
      Jun 20, 2012 @ 22:50:13

      Thank you, Patricia! I have started on so many books. God’s keeping me busy. Children’s books are in process and books for women, too. I am working on a memoir for my daughter. WOOSAH! I can’t wait to catch up with your blogs!

      Reply

  4. Oluwaseun S.
    Jun 21, 2012 @ 04:21:15

    I am glad God used you in an expected way. You are a living testimony. No matter how hard we run away from God, or fight Him, we will always run back to Him. Self love is very important, and with God, it’s possible. I loved reading this. God will surely make a useful vessel out of you.
    Thanks for sharing! :)

    Reply

    • MiMi Atkins
      Jun 21, 2012 @ 14:24:03

      Yes, He will! Thank you so much for reading! I finally love myself. It is a daily thing of reassurance because so much of my life was void of a true, rare, pure, love!

      Reply

  5. Chandra
    Jun 30, 2012 @ 15:45:37

    That truly is a testimony, thanks for being genuine! There’s always purpose in our pain. God definetely gave you the courage to love with an open heart.I know you will touch many lives when its your season. I wish you much success in all your endeavors!!

    Reply

  6. Anonymous
    Sep 21, 2012 @ 11:57:03

    Wow.what a story! God is truly wonderful! I pray that He continues to guide you. I will always pray for you sister. I follow you on twitter ( and i think you follow me too) ur tweets are inspirational . God bless you

    @angelniger ” restoredbygrace”

    Reply

  7. roc43
    Sep 28, 2012 @ 18:06:44

    Hey Ms. Mimi,

    My name is Roc. We follow each other on Twitter (@Amazing_Impact). For some reason, I became interested in reading some of you blog post, and I must say your Testimony caused my chin to drop on the floor. I was not only impressed with it but became very thankful that you shared it with all who would dare read it. It was VERY powerful to say the least! God bless you my dear sister. Perhaps we’ll have a chance to talk more on Twitter. As I often say (even on Twitter)…. Keep Winning!

    Much Love?
    Roc

    Reply

    • MiMi Atkins
      Nov 19, 2012 @ 20:07:54

      I am just seeing this! Awesome! Yes, I pride myself on being transparent before the Lord! It is the best way to see the work of Christ being done in sinners! Please contact me on Twitter. I’d like to put a face with a name. God Bless You!

      Reply

  8. Nikki blackman
    Sep 29, 2012 @ 08:27:09

    Hi Mimi,
    Wow what a testimony. God truly had His hand on you. My dear all you went through was just preparation for your purpose. This is so inspiring.

    Reply

  9. Anonymous
    Nov 09, 2012 @ 21:23:20

    Your testimony touched me and MAY GOD BLESS YOU.

    Reply

  10. Lorraine May (@sweetrain40)
    Dec 12, 2012 @ 00:17:21

    Wow! Thank you for sharing your story. It was indeed moving and touching!

    Reply

  11. Natalie Bea
    Dec 30, 2012 @ 15:54:25

    My, my, my, such a powerful and AWESOME testimony. God is SO good. Thank you so much for sharing. I believe it is so important for us as Christians to testify to the miracles God has worked in our lives. You are such a strong woman and I thank God for your life and your ministry. Praise God! Hallelujah!!

    Reply

    • MiMi Atkins
      Apr 03, 2013 @ 17:26:17

      I try my best to be a walking testimony of God’s unfailing love and the fact that we are to be obedient to Him. Thanks for reading. All glory to Abba Father.

      Reply

  12. Simply Feli
    Feb 10, 2013 @ 13:44:14

    Absolutely beautiful. Im so glad you yielded to God, because He is the only one to heal the hurt- you are such a beautiful woman of God, I don’t even know you, but I know I can say that. I know I can, the Holy Spirit just spills through your writing, you just scream God’s child and I don’t know what brought me to you page at this moment (Who am i kidding, it was Dad) but i’m glad I did, God bless you so abundantly in life, and please don’t stop being so honest and beautifully transparent. We see Christ in you that way, thank you xx

    Reply

    • MiMi Atkins
      Apr 03, 2013 @ 17:25:10

      Glory to Abba Father! I have another blog at mercymimi@blogspot.com, Feli. I blog there more often. Yes, I went through a lot but I am forever thankful for it all because God got the glory. I just don’t want to look like what I have been through and I don’t but transparency is here to stay. I am totally unashamed. Thanks for reading.

      Reply

  13. Jailine Manon
    Mar 13, 2013 @ 15:19:05

    Wow God is soooo Good! I really have to give God thanks for that! You are blessed and your doing great things. You inspire me with your tweets and statuses on fb, And now to see you went through all of this and to see how strongly you came out! It is truely a amazing girl!!! I’m 15 and I love the Lord! I get made fun of a lot. Ppl ask me all kind of questions to put me on the spot. Annoys me sometimes. But hey God is still good and He’s working in me! Love your testimony! Thanks for sharing! :)

    Reply

    • MiMi Atkins
      Apr 03, 2013 @ 17:23:18

      Remember you are God’s gem, Jailine. He will use you for His purposes. Yield to Him and yes, people may single you out but know God is there and all things are for His glory. Thanks for reading and God Bless You.

      Reply

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